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“Chief Engineer Scotty’s Lament” — Scott Woods December 29, 2005

Posted by samwyse in Uncategorized.
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I stumbed across this over at Google Video, and thought it was worth transcribing. In a lot of ways, it sounds like something Scotty would’ve said during the build-up to the bar fight in the TOS episode, The Trouble with Tribbles.

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Chief Engineer Scotty’s Lament

I’m not saying I should be Captain, I’m saying a Captain should be more considerate is all.

A little more attention to the ship, and less to the Romulan ale, if you take my meaning.

You hear this twit pounding on about his starship, his Enterprise, but who do you think is the one who has to fix her up after one of his epic adventures, his classic struggles of good versus evil that always put him in the warm embrace of some boxum blond from Alpha Centauri and the rest of us knee-deep in dilithium crystal residue and engine grease?

But you can’t tell him nothing, the Captain. And it’s not just because engineering goes through Maintainance, goes through Tech Services, goes through Human/Alien Resources, goes through Public Services, goes through Administration; it’s ’cause he’s a prick, he’s always been a prick, and he’ll be a prick until he catches an incurable space herpes from some dancing green alien whore.

And he’s so smart.

I’ve seen ’em come and go in my day, and let me tell you it’s real easy to yell into an intercom, “Divert more power to the shields, Scotty!” Oh sure, just like that then. Any captain worth his weight in Tribbles knows that the shield generator runs through a gangway energy converter which is wired to a standby power unit situated in a teriary standards room which is fed by the field flux get construction running parallel lines to the fuel hopper feed chute, and is based on a subatomic unified engery impulse postulate, so when I say “I don’t have the power”, I think I know what I’m talking about.

But from up there, where this one’s putting the poop back in poopdeck, it’s always “Warp factor two, first star on the left,” but from down here, in the belly of the finest maiden that ever graced the starfleet, it’s always the last star to the right, and any captain worth his crunch would know that.

— Scott Woods

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Comments»

1. lilli - February 15, 2007

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS POEM…


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